Feasting at The Table - Helicopter Parenting

Where did this term "helicopter parenting" originate?

A quick search on the internet tells me that back in 1969, there was this book entitled, Between Parent and Teenager, written by Dr. Haim Ginott, a child psychologist. Somewhere in the book, a teenager described his mother as a parent who hovers over him like a helicopter. 

Fast forward to the 1990’s and early 2000s, the term picked up in popularity, and was heard being used by. more people to describe overprotective parents who closely monitor and involve themselves in every aspect of their children's lives. We are talking about in their education, social activities, and decision-making. That sounds pretty much like every area, doesn’t it?

At this point, I would be getting a little defensive and asking myself, well, why the need for the categorisation? Is it such a bad thing that a mother or father who brought this child into this world would want to take their responsibility seriously by providing for this child, guiding this child, doing all they can to ensure that this child is successful?

Why is it seen as an excessive focus on a child's experiences?

Well, another quick research on the internet suggests that helicopter parenting is frowned upon because it often results in the child being unable to develop independence and problem-solving skills. Why? Because Mommy and Daddy are always there telling them what to do, who to do it with, why, where, and how.

At this point, however, I’m still asking myself, well, what’s so terribly wrong with that? Isn’t it the duty of a parent to guide their children.

Then I hear a voice saying, yes of course, but it’s not what you do so much, but how you do it. This is not a dictatorship, this is not about power and control, this is not about living vicariously through your children, this is not about creating robots.

On the other hand, it’s about allowing our children to develop into the unique individuals they were created to be by God. It’s about guiding them without forcing them. 

So there are two schools of thought there.

Parents are to adopt a parenting style that fosters the holistic development of their children, as opposed to helping to create rebellious human beings who become resistant because the freedom of choice they’re born with is constantly being undermined.

Now, we know ourselves parents. We would try to justify helicopter parenting by saying, this is my child, I love him, I love her, I want the best for him or her, who else is going to best teach them the way to go, if I don’t? No one can protect them like I can.

Sounds about right to me. Sounds like a fair approach. But again, it’s not what you do, but how you do it.

Of course, life is not always this clear cut. There may come a time when we have to let go of our children, of our family members, of our friends. There may come a time when we have to apply The Prodigal Son method. Allow them to have a Damascus Road experience.

But some of us fly our helicopters so high that if these children, if others do not do as we say, we just open the door and drop them from the sky.

So, as Christians, we go to the Word of God, life’s manual, for guidance.

Scripture encourages balance. Ahhh, God is so wise.

 Because we really cannot get away from the responsibility that we have as parents to train them in the way they should go. We cannot get away from the command from God to live peaceably with all men as much as we can. Romans 12:18.

Proverbs 22:6 Message version says, “Point your kids in the right direction— when they’re old they won’t be lost.”

That’s plain and simple and should end the debate, right? 

The Bible gives the greatest advice. A right foundation is essential. It equips children to walk the right path. But here, we see the need to use wisdom. The scripture suggests that if you train them while they’re young, when they become older, they will not need this constant supervision because they would have had that proper grounding.

Psychologists tells us that children are most moldable in the first 7 years of their lives. 

Researchers like Jean Piaget is his Stages of Cognitive Development study, identified early childhood (ages 0–7) as the preoperational stage, where children develop language, memory, and imagination, but still struggle with logical thinking and perspective-taking.

Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages study, emphasizes that the early years (especially from birth to age 5) are critical for building trust, autonomy, and initiative, which are foundational for later psychological development.

It’s during this time that the brain forms neural connections and early experiences, positive or negative, have a profound impact on future learning, behavior, and health.

Then there’s another researcher called John Bowlby who came up with what’s called the Attachment Theory. He suggested that the bond formed between a child and their primary caregiver during the first years of life is crucial for emotional and social development.

So, this supports the need for parents to do their duty to help their children grow up and become responsible adults.

But again, our approach to parenting must foster independence and trust in God’s guidance.

God created each of us as individuals, with our own thinking caps. Some adults don’t understand that, and that’s why you have domestic violence, because one person wants to control the other’s thinking and actions and the other person doesn’t want to be controlled.

The Bible encourages us to have balance in parenting and the same applies in exerting authority even in adulthood. And that’s important, because children grow up.

Ephesians 6:1-9 “Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, “so you will live well and have a long life.” Fathers, don’t frustrate your children with no-win scenarios. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master. Servants, respectfully obey your earthly masters but always with an eye to obeying the real master, Christ. Don’t just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ’s servants doing what God wants you to do. And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you’re really serving God. Good work will get you good pay from the Master, regardless of whether you are slave or free. Masters, it’s the same with you. No abuse, please, and no threats. You and your servants are both under the same Master in heaven. He makes no distinction between you and them.” 

We need to balance discipline, exercise patience, allow some freedom, and promote, not stifle growth. 

And I continue to intertwine tidbits on children and adults as well because many of us have passed the stage of raising our own children, but the same principles apply in our adult relationships.

Colossians 3:21-25 teaches, “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits. Servants, do what you’re told by your earthly masters. And don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work.”

We must not overlook verses 18-20, however. And note, this advice includes adults and children. “Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them. Children, do what your parents tell you. This delights the Master no end.”

In every case, we understand that over-managing can lead to frustration and discouragement. But if we trust in God to guide us as parents, as spouses, as friends, as co workers, as family members, this builds faith, resilience, and healthy independence in our relationships.

So that parent child relationship is where it all starts. As parents, we are called on to guide, but also to trust in God’s plan for these children, allowing them to learn, grow, and develop their own walk with the Lord.

Prayerfully, by the time they become adults, they would be good family members, friends, spouses and citizens of this world. And there’ll be no need for these terms like helicopter parenting.

Proverbs 3:5-12 encourages us to “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline; don’t sulk under his loving correction. It’s the child he loves that God corrects; a father’s delight is behind all this.”

For children and adults, helicoptering can either strain or strengthen relationships. There are dangers in practising excessive control, but there are benefits and there is value in nurturing children with wisdom and offering timely and tactful advice to one another as adults.

Even in witnessing, we find people become resistant to the Word of God when we bombard them with too much information at one time, especially rules, doctrines. We ought to use the model of Jesus Christ Himself as He went about teaching by doing.

Matthew 4:23-25 “From there he went all over Galilee. He used synagogues for meeting places and taught people the truth of God. God’s kingdom was his theme—that beginning right now they were under God’s government, a good government! He also healed people of their diseases and of the bad effects of their bad lives. Word got around the entire Roman province of Syria. People brought anybody with a sickness, whether mental, emotional, or physical. Jesus healed them, one and all. More and more people came, the momentum gathering. Besides those from Galilee, crowds came from the “Ten Towns” across the lake, others up from Jerusalem and Judea, still others from across the Jordan.”

And this is certainly a model for us as parents, for sure. It’s no longer do as I say. We have to teach by example. Children are looking at what we do. So we have to practice what we teach and preach. Understand that many people learn by hearing, but seeing also is important. It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words.

So not only as parents, but as individuals and more so as Christians, let us all be available and engaged without being overbearing. This way we can maintain strong relationships where children respect us as parents, adults respect one another and we can create an atmosphere of peace in our corner of the world.

aub - 2 October 2024

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